A Consumer's Guide to Useless Product Reviews

While shopping and reading user product reviews on Amazon, I decided to come up with my own guide detailing how to write a proper review. You're welcome.

Forget performance. The last thing a person wants to see when perusing consumer product reviews is whether or not a product works. Whether the item does what the manufacturer claims, or fails spectacularly, if you're going to mention that information, be sure to bring it up last. Better yet, put it in a lengthy footnote. Really, you don't have to mention performance at all. It's a well-documented fact that long, vague, repetitive reviews rate higher than those that are insightful and succinct.*

Be effusive. Whether or not you like the product, say so as frequently as possible. Verbal abuse and vacuous praise are both signs of a thoughtful, stable person. For bonus points fit in a tired cliche or two (double points for the phrases "works like a charm" and "piece of s#@t").

State the obvious. Remember, the whole point of reading other people's reviews is to find out things about a product that you could easily learn without owning it. If you think an item is overpriced, say so. If you're reviewing electronics, write an in-depth explanation of the underlying technology. If you don't have a good grasp of how the thing works, all the better, the reader is certainly as ignorant as you are. Besides, credibility is overrated. By the same token, there's no need to include relevant information in your review. People like surprises.

One last thing: Whether or not a product is labeled for a particular use is irrelevant. The customer is ALWAYS right. Products should do whatever you want them to. It is perfectly reasonable for the manufacturer, the retailer, and state and local governments to be able to read your mind, and make sure your every need and comfort are met. The reader realizes this, and cares deeply about your needs, so don't be shy about venting your frustrations.

So, go ahead, write your review. We couldn't possibly care more.

*Not a well-documented fact.